Clear Mind Coach

Happiness without forgiveness
I know it sounds unusual, but you can find happiness even when you don’t always forgive.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you should never forgive but there are certain cases where even if you’re not prepared to forgive you can still find freedom and happiness.

Just because someone is unforgivable, doesn’t mean that I still can’t find happiness
There are some pretty bad things that people have done in the world that we perceive as unforgivable. Most people will agree that mass murderers are unforgivable for their actions and need to be punished in some way for their actions. But that doesn’t need to preclude me from finding happiness within myself even if I was a victim of their abuse.

So how can you find happiness while not forgiving?
The answer is a simple one. People may be unforgivable, but that doesn’t mean I have to walk around all day holding on to hate towards that person. In other words, I may feel that someone is wrong but I can let go of my attachment of my hateful feelings towards that person. I can let go of all that revved up thinking I am continuously thinking about. After a while when my reactive thinking settles down, I can become neutral towards them or at least not so revved up towards them for starters.

If I don’t hate them does that mean they are now forgiven?
Does that mean that they are let off the hook? Certainly not. But when I am in a good state of mind, when I’m not reactive, I’m going to handle the situation towards that person who wronged me a lot better, than if I would be in an angry state of mind. And because I will let go of that anger after a while, I’m going to be in a better position to review the whole situation and maybe move towards forgiveness when I can see things with clarity and not reactivity. But that doesn’t mean I have changed my mind, that I have to now forgive them. They did something wrong, they may need to go to Jail for it, but I don’t need to be caught up 24/7 with my revved up thinking about how much I hate them for it.

I’m not telling you that you always have to forgive, just let go of attachments, let go of revved up thinking.

It’s letting go of your attachment to revved up hatred and animosity that is key to being free. Once you let go of that, you’ll feel as though you have been released from a heavy chain that has been weighing down on you for a long time.

The misunderstanding of forgiveness                                                                                            Most people will tell you that you have to forgive in order to free the part that is inside you that you are holding on to.  You need to forgive them for your own sake in order for you to be free. I can agree with that in certain cases. Maybe someone who slighted me the wrong way or did something else when they were in a bad mood is possibly forgivable. Each situation needs to be accessed from a position of calm and understanding rather than reactivity and angst in order to get clarity on the situation.

But you are not forgiving someone if you are sending them to jail.                                    When it comes to severe criminal acts, they might need to go to jail because of what they have done which means that they are not forgivable at this stage. If you are doing your best to send someone to jail, then you are not forgiving them.

Video of a woman who said she was forgiving her ex-boyfriend and at the same time sending him to Jail
I saw this video of this woman forgiving her ex-boyfriend in court for almost killing her in a vicious knife attack when they were breaking up. The problem was that even though she said she forgave him, she was doing her best in court to prosecute him and sentence him to life imprisonment.  That’s what I call an oxymoron. If you’re in the process of sending someone to jail, you’re not forgiving them.

Forgive means to exonerate according to the Google dictionary.                                             So, if you’re sending him to jail you’re not exonerating or forgiving him. What she was trying to do is free herself from living in hate and animosity towards her abuser, so she could be free to move on with her life. She was letting go of her attachments, her over-identification with the angst she had towards her abuser. And that’s fine, but at the same time society needs to be protected from people like him and his actions which are unforgivable at this time. And that’s why he needs to go to jail or somewhere, where he won’t do any more harm to society. Maybe after a while, once he has healed he will be forgivable, but certainly not while he’s dangerous.

We can still feel sorry for him and still not forgive them                                                             Just because we are not forgiving him doesn’t mean we can’t still feel compassion for him and treat him with dignity as a human being while sending him to jail.

These people usually have had a very difficult life and dysfunctional upbringing without anyone really loving them and taking good care of them as they were growing up. Hence, I do feel sorry for some of these people while still doing my best to protect my loved ones and myself from them. Maybe in a hundred years or when they have sincerely shown that they have worked on themselves, I could forgive them. But even if I don’t, I’ll at least let go of my attachment of continual hate towards them.

It’s unhealthy to live a life full of hate throughout your day and life.
It’s not very healthy to live a life full of hateful thoughts throughout the day. It causes all sorts of stress hormones to be activated in your body and has been shown to be a source of all sorts of dangerous diseases when a person has many hours of negative thinking on a daily basis. That doesn’t mean you should never have negative thoughts. We all do, but it becomes unhealthy when it becomes will excessive. And you’ll know within yourself when it’s taking its toll on you because you are always feeling down and possibly sick.

Next time someone wrongs you                                                                                                           So next time someone wrongs you, keep in mind that even if they are wrong and unforgivable, you can let go of the attachment to the revved up thoughts of hate and reactivity after the shock of what happened. If you do, you’ll be free. And this happens when you realize that your thoughts are being made up by you moment to moment. Soon as you see this for yourself, you can begin not to take your thinking so seriously and you’ll begin to release those unwanted attachments that don’t serve you.

To further consolidate this, please watch the video below.


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