Great expectations are not always so great
Great expectations are not so great when we are overly attached and so committed to them. When I operate with the expectation that you have to do something to make me happy, it’s often a recipe for disaster because you’re not always going to do it exactly the way I want to to be done. It’s not possible because no two minds think exactly alike, hence you’re not always going to get it exactly right the way I want it to be.
Form and Formless
In this conversation, I want to introduce you to the world of form and formless. The world of form is the reality you currently live in based on your thoughts moment to moment. The feelings you have behind the thought is what we call formless.
Separate Realities Because we’re such different human beings, each of us lives our own little life. In the world of form, you can never be on exactly the same page as somebody else. You might be similar but you can’t be on the exact same page because in my mind with the thoughts I create we have to be different. It would be such a great coincidence if we were creating the same thoughts at the same time and what are the chances of that happening? This is what we call separate realities.
But where can we be on the same page? This is in the feeling of love. Because the feeling of love is formless, the feeling of connection doesn’t have any details to it. We can be in that same feeling and we can live in harmony with that same feeling. When you’re in a relationship you’re shifting between the two. If you’re in the feeling, you’re not in the form. And if you’re in the form, you’re not in the feeling. You can’t do the two simultaneously.
The expectation is very much in the form. It doesn’t matter what the expectation is. People get stuck with this and they don’t like it when we say it, but in my mind, any over attachment to the expectation you have of your partner is going to put you back into that space of form which limits your ability to have the experience of the feeling.
So, it doesn’t matter whether the expectation is that my partner should love me, or an expectation that my partner should be loyal, or an expectation that my partner should be kind, an expectation that my partner should treat me in a certain way. Any time that you’re looking to expectation a certain way, you’re looking outside, you’re looking for the other person to create something in the relationship. You’re looking for the other person to provide something. And any time you’re doing that, you’re looking at the form, it will take you away from the feeling because it’s hard to balance the two at the same time.
Either the ball is in my court or the ball is in your court. When the ball is in my court, it’s all about me learning to live in a beautiful feeling and making life show up from that space. And when the ball is in her court, I’m limited to whatever she shows up with. And I totally used to live with the ball in her court. If I was upset, the ball was in her court, it’s her fault because she did it. And if I wanted to become un-upset, I would have to wait for her to somehow do something to change the feeling I’m living in.
Today, however, it’s like, why would I ever put the ball in my wife’s court? That would make a horrible life. Firstly, sometimes she lives like a crazy person, she’s mad, she’s not willing to see things my way, she doesn’t love me on my conditions of the way she ‘should’ love me, she doesn’t do things the way I want her to do them, I’d much rather go and do it myself.
In relationships, if everyone just keeps the ball in their court, it would be so simple for them. Sometimes people ask me, “don’t you want your wife to love you and make you happy?” But the reality is that she’ll never succeed, not a chance. Try to make me happy, good luck with that. It’s impossible. The only thing that can make me happy is the feeling I’m living in, that can make me happy. There was a time that I used to believe that my wife would make me happy. And my wife is the one that can make me unhappy. That today however, is not true for me anymore.
There are so many people that live with that misunderstanding and it makes for such a difficult life with so much hardship because how could she ever truly understand what I need and what I want? Even if she’s the most amazing wife, she doesn’t know what I need or what I want and what’s important to me. And the funny thing is that if I take care of myself, I can give her clues. If she wants to make a contribution to my feeling, she could try, but I would much rather look after myself. And funnily enough, when I look after myself, I’m so much more clued in and wise and know how to look after everyone else.
But if I don’t have expectations I’ll end up being a doormat!
You might be asking, “shouldn’t people have expectations and if you don’t have some level of expectation in a relationship, you’ll end up being a doormat? Your partner is just going to walk all over you.”
I’m happy being a happy doormat
First of all, it’s not so bad being a doormat, you get to be of service to others 🙂 Why am I looking for this person to provide for me? Why am I looking to this person and feeling that they have to give me something? I enjoy relationships so much more when I have a way to give, when I have a way to be of service and when I have a way to provide.
One way street relationship Children are a very much a one-way street in a relationship. You’re giving, you’re providing, you are very much the doormat for your kids. And it’s a beautiful doormat to be because I love being able to give to them. I love being able to contribute to their lives. I love the fact that they can rely on me and want things from me and look to me and I love to be able to be that provider. And that’s what I love in our relationship as well. I don’t look to what Shainy, my wife can give me. Anything she gives to me is a bonus, that’s nice.
I don’t measure what the other person can give me
Part of the relationship that I enjoy is when I can provide. When you see a relationship that way, you automatically lose your attachment to expectation because you’re not measuring or comparing, you’re not looking for that. I’m not looking for what has been given to me. And there is so much more joy in a relationship like that. I’ve seen in my own relationship with Shainy, as we deepen our understanding in this way, as my expectations have gone down, I’ve learned to enjoy giving more and playing that role. It’s just a different world with a different feeling and it’s just so beautiful to live in that reality. The good news is, it’s just a thought away. It’s within anyone’s reach if they’re open to letting go of attachments.
Love and good will is the glue to hold long term lasting relationships
When you’re stuck in the form, you become stuck in your differences which will always exist. When, however, you drop your expectations and approach anyone with love and good will, you’re in for the long hall in any relationship. It’s the only constant that you can have in common as its formless and eternal.
The balance between expectations and goals Being that we all live in a world of form, we are always going to have expectations of all sorts of things. And that’s okay. It becomes not okay when we are overly attached to them. I might want to lose 20 pounds as a goal, and that’s fine as long as I’m okay even if I don’t lose it. I’ll still be okay if I don’t lose it and it would be great if I did lose that weight. However, the extent of my attachment/commitment to this expectation will determine the extent of my pain if I don’t get it fulfilled. So goals are fine, so long as they don’t destroy me if I don’t get them and I know I’ll be okay either way.
Expectations are just thoughts with a lot of heavy attached thinking to it. So, let go of the attachments to your thinking and you’ll have a wonderful life. Even though in the world of form, it looks like you’re being a doormat, I’d rather look like a doormat and live a happy life than living an unhappy life with so many expectations that will never get fulfilled to exactly what I want.
To further consolidate this please watch the video below